The Procedure.Sponsored by Sprite!

Illustration from Conceptus, Inc.

Well, this is the "Essure" procedure I had done.Essentially these teeny stainless steel coils are inserted into the fallopian tubes, scar tissue grows into and around them, and the tubes become blocked.No cutting, no slicing and dicing.In three months you're fixed.You have to go back for a checkup x-ray to make sure you're blocked, though.

For the curious, especially those thinking of having it done, I offer a blow-by-blow(and rather humorous) version of how it goes.


Husband Loosetoon and I arrived at the hospital about 7 in the morning.After a short wait, I was taken back to a little hall with many rooms on either side.In one of those rooms I was installed in a very big, comfy chair that doubles as a gurney.The room had sliding glass doors and big curtain that went over the doors.Vital signs were taken,the the nurse left with instructions for me to take off everything I was wearing and put it all in the sad little "patient belongings" bag.
I must admit, my ensemble I wore that morning was hilarious, I looked like a bum.I had on an oversize t-shirt, pink pajama pants and my crocs shoes.PLUS,I was instructed not to wear contact lenses or anything,which I kinda knew about from experience.Also, no deodorant, no lotion, hair styling gel, no nothing.Once I took off all my clothes and put my hospital nightie on, it was just me, nekkid and blind, like a baby rat.I had to put on these little hospital-footie-things with treads on the bottom, too.
Once I was situated in the big chair again in my nightie-thingy,the same nurse (or maybe anther one,I was so blind I couldn't tell)came in to do the dreaded IV NEEDLE.
Now, I know nobody likes needles,certainly.But I get really freaked out over them.Fortunately, I got numbed first via a TINY needle and then the bigass IV needle would go in once that was numb.So, once the IV "port" was installed, I was good to go.That was the main part that scared me.
Then the nurse brought Loose back, as he wanted to be with me until the last minute, and I was glad of that.As he sat in a chair and talked to me, an IV bag(my "breakfast") was hooked up to my port, and Loose's instructions were to let me know when the fluid was down to a certain point, and I was to press the call button for the nurse.
We sat and talked,as my nutrient fluid went into my port,and then when it reached that line,I pushed the button, called the nurse.She came in and hooked up what she said was my "goofy juice" to my port, but didn't turn off the IV bag.
Well, the "goofy juice" made the room start swirling, but then the effect went away and was replaced with "I have to pee, NOW." I was literally about to wet myself,which made Loose a little mad,as he would have told them to turn off my IV bag,but then he thought he would get the "Yes,I'm the doctor, I'll handle this" sort of attitude from the people working on me.They sort of tried to blame him for it, but once he explained, one of the other nurses--a guy---seemed to understand and said he'd speak to the nurse that let it keep running.So I had that whole IV bag worth of fluid in my body and I was about to explode.So yet another nurse, who didn't speak very good English, rolled me in my giant chair to the bathroom.How embarrassing, having to be helped out of the chair and placed on the toity to pee.Especially when you're twice the size of the person helping you.
The "goofy juice" did work to a degree, as I couldn't stand up.
Pee crisis over, I was wheeled back into the little room,and my doctor(the one who looks like the psychiatrist on Law & Order, SVU)came in to meet with us.Somewhere in there the anesthesiologist came in as well, and I said to please do whatever it took to keep me from puking in the car on the way home--that always happens to my mom,but my mom gets sick over everything.I have learned I have a lot stronger constitution than my mother.
Then the moment came.They came to take me away!Loose kissed me goodbye, and I was wheeled out and down some corridors to the SURGICAL SUITE.And let me tell you, this shit can really weird you out,seeing all the equipment and people dressed funny and all the weird lights and warning signs on the wall and the odd smells, oh, god,my heart sped up then.
Me and my chair were wheeled into the operating room,and I was helped out of the chair and onto the table.I instantly knew this was a "special" kind of operating table when I was told to put my behind into a special little divot before lying down.I begged, "Oh, please put me out before you put my legs in the air, this is so embarrassing," and they all laughed--there must have been ten people in the room.
Dr.Kim had asked me if I liked Jimmy Buffet, as he played Jimmy Buffet wile he worked.I said,"Oh, no--no problem.I like Jimmy Buffet!Play some Beatles, though, and I'll love you forever!" They all laughed again.
Then, each of my arms was strapped down, I saw something being hooked to my port, and--

BAM.I was out.

The next thing I remember was being in the big chair again, in a recovery room similar to my little preparation room.And Loose was there, hovering.:)But everything after that is a jumble, so I am re-telling it via what little I can remember and Loose's explanation of what went on.

Loose said my eyes were all screwed up.I have a lazy eye,so with my contacts out my eyes can and will go in two different directions.He says I gave him permission to take a photo,so, we have photos of me waking up.Oh,dear god, they are pitiful,LOL!!!!
Since both my mom and dad had wanted to be notified when my surgery was over, he had called both of them.The funny part is that apparently I asked Loose six or seven times if he had called my mom and my dad.I of course remember none of this.
I do remember a straw being poked in my mouth and yummy, wonderful Sprite was there for me to sip.My throat felt like it was in shreds, but that was because I'd had a breathing tube stuffed down it, of course.
I was told repeatedly to "wake up, wake up",because I wasn't coming around quickly enough.To tell you the truth, I remembered being in that chair and since I sleep in the car a lot when Loose is driving, it just felt like naptime in the car.I didn't wanna wake up!
Loose kept making me drink, which I was happy to do, and I could hear some babbling in the background.I think it was Dr.Kim giving some post-op instructions to my husband.Then we had to get me dressed.I don't remember this at all, but we got me into my undies and since I had to have a pad because I was bleeding,I insisted on putting it in myself.How I did that and didn't put it in adhesive-side-up,I have no idea.Then came the pajama pants, and Loose said I tried to get my bra on by myself and couldn't get it hooked.So he helped with that and got my shirt on me, and put my shoes on my feet.Then somehow I was transferred to a wheelchair.
Then we had to take me to pee again.Apparently this is one of the main signs of "You can leave the hospital now",is your ability to pee afterward.Now,my husband and I have never seen each other in these sort of "bodily function" moments.Never seen each other on the toity.And now my husband volunteered to take me to the bathroom, bless him.He got me out of the chair, held me up and got me half-undressed again,and put me on the toilet.I vaguely remember this.Again,so embarrassing.Then he got me buttoned up and tidied up and took me back into the hallway, where a nurse or orderly of some sort took over while Loose got the car.
I do not recall getting in the car, or the trip home.And we even stopped to get gas, and went by the grocery store to get my prescription and some bland food in case I got nauseated.
Well,I do remember him asking what sort of food to get, and I answered with grits and chicken and rice soup.When he returned with my prescription and a few groceries, he also had a bottle of Sprite for me--wondrous, cool, refreshing Sprite.
We got home, and I remember him telling me to stay put, that he would help me out of the car.He did, but I don't remember going in the house or making my way to our room.I took off my t-shirt and bra and put on my pajama top and got n the bed.I think Loose sat on the bed and talked to me a bit,but I don't recall it very well.Then, I just conked out, he said, and I didn't wake up until 4:30.
At 5, our pals (online names)Anabella and Madog were coming to help take care of the cats.By now I could speak coherently, so when they got here, they all sat on the bed and talked to me for a while.Then,we got me up, and while Anabella and Madog did the dirty work,I directed what to do,Loose held me up, and it went very smoothly.
Then we put me back to bed, and Anabella stayed with me while Loose and MD went to get supper for everyone.They returned with food from KFC, including lots of side items for me and Anabella--we don't each much meat.And,I even felt well enough for us all to sit in the den and watch TV and eat.We watched our DVD of vintage Muppet commercials and laughed until I hurt.
Once I was finished with supper,I sat with them, bundled upon the couch, for about an hour,but then I started to get really really tired and I wanted my own bed.And a teddy bear.I told everyone to talk and socialize as long as they wanted. I took Jervais, one of my Merrythought(synthetic plush) teddies back to my room with me, got in bed,and that's all I remember until Loose came to bed around midnight.I think I got up and got on my laptop at some point,around 5 AM.

This morning,Loose relayed to me all the wacky stuff that I couldn't remember,and I have been up and around and feeling pretty decent.I feel like I have very bad menstrual cramps, but that's about it.My pain meds do the trick.

This was so easy it's unbelievable.

EDIT: Dr.Kim called to check on me,and was very pleased with my progress.He then told me that he almost had had to do what he and I called "Plan B".If he wasn't able to get the coils in, he would go on and do a tubal ligation.I had given full written permission for this.He said Plan A--the Essure procedure--was almost foiled because aparently my tubes are placed very far back and he had a very hard time getting the coils in.Yeow.I am so glad he kept trying.

I will go back in a few weeks for a checkup, and in 3 months I'll have an xray to see if the tubes are blocked.

So anyway, if anyone is thinking of having this done,do not be afraid, it is a piece of cake.